If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
