You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
