I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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