you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
