TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
