just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
