You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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