so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Drunk is not a location!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A bitchslap is in order.
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