i barfeds in our rink
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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