it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
