I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
