Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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