I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
