Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
