I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
