A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
