walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
