I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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