I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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