The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
