I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
