She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
foreskin is a definite game changer
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
