ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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