I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
