Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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