I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
