we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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