you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
