I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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