You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
