he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
