Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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