I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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