I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
