if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
