i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
