This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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