i was born a porn star she said
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
