saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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