How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
