dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
