The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
