he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
