Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I want to fling myself into the sun
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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