think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
