It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
