I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
