She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So many bounce houses so little time
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
