i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I checked into jail on foursquare
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
