I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
