I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
