if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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