OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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